Dear Readers,

Nobody chooses to be in a long distance relationship, most couples are caught up in the arrangement because of various reaons; you might have met your significant other online and you have to deal with that distance, it may be due to a promotion or further studies to a far away land.

A long distance relationship is just like a normal relationship; the needs are the same but the distance is not. We discuss how to make a long distance relationship survive in the feature article Long Distance Loving.

This week we do things a little differently,in the Round Table Discussions instead of men, we sit down with 10 women and interview them on their experiences in long distance relationships. They talk about the ups and downs and how they strengthen the love along the miles.

We share in the love of our featured couple Njeri & Peter Kaberere as Njesh talks to us about everything marriage.They say behind every Phenomenal woman is most importantly herself, we interview two phenomenal women; Ugandan Linda Butare Mulira as she talks about her Jewelry line 'Umuringa' and Kenyan based Tanzanian fashionista Zoe Glorious as she talks about her love of style and her upcoming fashion projects.

This week we are also going the distance by introducing a new sections to the Ladies Room called 'Singular'; where the single ladies get to share their stories and enjoy being single!

Welcome to the Ladies Room where the women sit down and enjoy hearty conversations and men are actually allowed to enter and share in the discussions. Feel free to leave a comment or write us @

Dear Ladies,

I have just come out of a four month old relationship. The relationship ended because the guy mentioned something to the tone that I’m ‘too independent to be in a relationship’ and he couldn’t deal with that.
I find a bit of truth in that knowing that the last time before this relationship, I was single for 3years. I guess in that period I became too independent. I was busy with my life, family and friends, school on the side and work that having a viable relationship wasn’t really high on my list.
I’m so used to getting things done by myself but I realize that sooner or later I want to be in a relationship, to be able to share my life with someone else. Right now I’m so scared that I have been too single for long that I won’t know how to fit another person (a man) in my life. Help.

Ms. Too Independent from Ghana


Songs have been written, women have chanted their 'I got my own!' mantras, what are your thoughts on being 'too independent' as we help 'Ms.Too Independent'? Leave a comment.

She’s beautiful, she’s fearless; she is Zoë Glorious, also known as Malaika Pearl.

A lover of fashion and style. Malaika is a Tanzanian lady currently living in Kenya while pursuing a Communications degree at Daystar University. The multitalented Zoe fashonista is also an actress at heart and her love for style goes beyond fashion as she also focusses on interior décor.

Passion

The fashion expert says she found her passion at an early age. “My family tells me that I would refuse to go to school without a specific sophisticated hairstyle and I wouldn’t wear any attire without my consent.” She adds.

Style

Many Faces of Malaika

Her Words
“I strongly believe that there is a drop of style in every person and it is my passion to bring it out. My dream is to see individuals articulating themselves and their passion through style and that keeps me inspired and on the move. Thanks to my fresh beauty philosophy, and my unbridled talent my star will continue to rise.”

Advice:
In the words of Dr.Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
-Dr Seuss

Watch out world Malaika is coming through with STYLE!

You can never be prepared enough for a long distance relationship (LDR), circumstances just make this happen. You get that deserved promotion and you have to move to another zip code, your significant other gets accepted to graduate school and that means you are oceans apart, it can be a case of towns apart. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, long distance relationships come with the added trial of being separated from your partner.

Take for example Corrie; her boyfriend of 2 years recently got promoted to head a branch office in another country. What happens then, do they A; opt for the easier way out or B. stick it out and find ways to make the relationship work?

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Long distance relationships take a lot of work. There are the ups and downs, the sting of having to watch couples walking down the street snuggling or holding hands; the whole PDA package. Then there are the long telephone calls that sometimes leave you wanting more conversation and missing your significant other even more.

For Corrie its countries apart, for someone else it might be to another town or another continent all together. Despite the downs, LDR’s can work, how do you make your relationship survive the distance?

1. Define your relationship and be clear on the levels of commitment with your significant other. Ask the important questions, is your relationship monogamous, meaning you will not see other people during that period? Will you wait for each other? What is the limit of the duration you will be apart? Are you clear on your expectations and your desired end? Some of these questions help in making the situation easier and gives you something to look forward to.

2. Put extra effort when it comes to communication and keeping up with what is happening in each other’s lives. Be involved; re-learn ways to express your love to each. Find out what works for you and your partner in terms of communication and technology has made this easier with internet, Skype, video calls etc.

3. Enjoy your independence while your partner is away. The long distance is an opportunity to develop as an individual which at the end of the day builds your relationship.

4. The long distance can take a toll on anyone; there will be emotional roller coaster rides and unbearable days but be honest with each other as you make the adjustments. Grapple all the issues that may come up to prevent future tensions, doubts or insecurities.

5. Don’t listen to the negativity about LDR’s or pay attention to the assumptions, misconceptions or the statistics. Remember what is important and stay positive.

At the end of the day, every long distance relationship is unique, you decide whether it will work or not.

Have anything to say about LDR's leave uc a comment below.

Other topics we have covered:

Women & Friendships by Jamie Fleming

Lets Introduces ourselves Again by ZimBlackRose

This week at the round table discussion we talk to Ten ladies about their experiences in long distance relationships. From United Kingdom to West Africa, Britain to Sudan, they discuss the ups and downs, how they handle conflicts when they arise, how they cope and make their relationships survive the distance.

Enjoy the discussion.

Tanya: I was in Europe, he was in Kampala.

Tiff: I'm not sure - about 3 hours by train

Minah: My significant other is in West Africa (Republic of Niger), way across the continent.

Martha: A millions of miles away in Europe

Grace: He lives in Eldoret, I live in Nairobi. That’s about 400 KM apart.

Diana: Approx. 2021 KM away, we are three countries apart.

Nelisa: He is in Sudan

Esther: 14 hours away, his in Australia

Irynne: My sweetheart is an ocean away in the land down under in Australia! Miles n miles away (insert sad face)

Janericka: He’s in UK


3. Were you prepared to deal with this level of commitment and what fears did you have?

Tanya: Initially yes, we both thought we were. The fears were the usual ones, desertion, deceit, infidelity. But infidelity was the most prominent one.

Tiff: I wasn't really keen on the idea of dating long distance because it limits the amount of time you have to get to know each other but my boyfriend convinced me that we'd make it work (when he asked me out)


Minah: I was prepared to deal with the commitment that comes with the distance. I dated my boyfriend for about a year before he left, and so I full well knew that we had to build a strong foundation before he left. I knew what I was getting myself into and I was ready to face the demands of a long distance relationship.
My greatest fear was that we would grow apart because of the absence of physical presence but so far, we are still as close as ever. I also had a fear of whether I would adapt to his culture or even survive in his country if we get married! Lol.


Martha: Yes I was prepared. The fear was I didn’t think I could really keep up with the challenges involved but with time I learnt to embrace and deal with every challenge that came my way.


Grace: I was not prepared at all. In fact, the fact that I was in a LDR sunk in after about 4months later, because when he met, he was on leave for about a month, so we spent a lot of time together that month. It wasn’t until his leave was over and he went back to Eldoret that it occurred to me that I was dating someone who lived far away. But by that time, it was too late, since I already really liked him and felt like having a LDR was something I was willing to explore.

Diana: No, I wasn’t. Worrying that as soon as he left he would forget about us

Nelisa: I wasnt prepared for the LDR but with time i learnt to deal with it. I feared that he would find someone else to replace me and that he would be unfaithful.

Esther: It never crossed my mind. I have friends who did long distance relationships but I never thought that one day I would be one of them. I had fears that it would not work out and that maybe I wouldn’t handle the distance.

Irynne: I found out he was leaving last year, 5 months before, so I was psychologically ready for it. I miss him terribly though! My greatest fear was us growing apart, him developing new interests and forgetting about our interests together and vice versa but that has not happened so am resting easy

Janericka: Yes I was prepared but I feared what would happen when it came to our physical intimacy.


4. What are some things you considered or questions you asked your significant other before you got into the long distance relationship? E.g. expectations and boundaries to prevent future misunderstandings.

Tanya: We promised to be faithful to each other for the 10 months that I would be away. Unfortunately it didn't work, he cheated and I called it quits as soon as I found out. In retrospect, we should have parted before I left to avoid the heartache.

Tiff: How often we would realistically be able to see each other (and we agreed he'd be doing most of the travelling because I'm a student and can't afford to travel often); we were not to date anyone else and we would be extra patient in taking time to learn and understand each other’s habits since we spent little time together and talk about everything to death to make sure we understood each other’s views (even if we didn’t agree with them)

Minah: We both asked questions…. Like are you serious about a future commitment? How do you intend to communicate, for how long will you be gone before you come back…etc. we had to establish a high level of trust, so that if anything came up, either of us would be free to broach the subject and we would talk about it. This helps us solve misunderstandings and conflicts. Once the level of trust is up, then boundaries are easy to set and some things are obvious. Like no flirting …etc

Martha: We discussed whether he's serious about the relationship, how often he was going to visit me and how often he would communicate. Thank God for chat rooms because we chat like every day at least we keep in touch

Diana: He wasn’t supposed to be away for that long so we had never really discussed LDR. But sometime back we agreed not to waste each other’s time. i.e if either of us meets somebody else we would move on.

Nelisa: We promised that we would be absolutely honest with each other, we discussed communication and how often and visits and after how long.

Esther: He was point blank about him being in the relationship for the long haul. When you get the right person the sense of commitment just gets into you and you know the right thing that you are supposed to do when your partner is not around. E.g. being faithful.

Irynne: Before he even knew he would leave, we knew that what we were in this for the long run so this was definitely temporary separation for us. We are committed to each other and therefore keeping boundaries is something that we continue to do as we focus on the bigger picture!

Janericka: I wondered if it was worth it, long distance relationships are usually a bad idea in my opinion, but somehow I have found myself in one.


5. Separation sometimes can feel like torture, how do you cope with the distance and hold your interest levels in each other despite this distance?

Tanya: It was torture. There were lots of phone calls, email, IM’s but unfortunately it didn't help with the infidelity.

Tiff: Sometimes it feels unbearable and I consider breaking up with him because it's extremely difficult and often feels lonelier than being single but we talk everyday so it's bearable most of the time. The fact that he's so patient and sure of our relationship makes it easier to be patient.

Minah: You are right in saying that separation can be torture! Constant communication is the keep; always keep in touch and if you feel that the other is too quiet, don’t jump to conclusions, feel free to ask what is happening. We always have a lot to talk about and we are not afraid to air our different views, we reaffirm our love to each other constantly, we pray together and for each other, we chat, email, call, Skype, whatever it takes to keep us a float!

Martha: I know he prays for me and I do the same, plus if am stressed he’s the first person to know. We have this thing that we shouldn’t keep any secrets from each other .For now am satisfied with where have reached and there’s no turning back.

Grace: We talk a lot, we also tell each other when the loneliness starts checking in. Sometimes an emergency visit may be required!

Diana: Keeping in touch on all levels helps plus having the right attitude. If u get into a LDR but all the while thinking that LDR’s never work, it’s bound to fail. The way I see it, somebody's persona doesn’t change because of distance. Appreciating that keeps the interest levels in place....for a while (lol)

Nelisa: Most importantly is the trust i have in him, I trust that he will honor and treasure our relationship. Secondly I put my relationship in the hands of God and as we work together as a couple, we pray that God keeps protecting our love and helping us to nurture it.

Esther: At first it was hard because we started dating when he was out of the country. There are times you want your partner near for the obvious reasons like company, but we made sure that constant communication was what would make this work. So involving each other in our day to day activities makes us feel closer at least it covers the loneliness part.

Irynne: Separation from my sweetie and best friend is tricky! There are times I tell him to just get on a plane and come back!! But it’s not that easy. So to deal with it, we talk every single day! Since he left we have been in constant communication, through calls, texts, facebook e.t.c We update each other on everything that's going in our lives. Am still in touch with his boys and family and that helps because it helps me know I still belong despite the distance!

Janericka: We talk at least once every week

6. Do you schedule communication or visits and how often?

Tanya: There was no scheduled communication since I was just three hours ahead of him. (Time zone)

Tiff: We talk everyday and visit about once every 2 weeks.


Minah: We don’t schedule communication, anytime is communication time. That is unless there is a possibility that one of us will not be available for some time (e.g. I may have gone to a place without network or am in a meeting etc). We chat every day. Visits are hard for us, (it involves 1000 USD to make a trip) we make do with what we have for now.

Martha: Yeah we do schedule but he does most of the travelling. In future I’ll be travelling when my schedule is less busy.

Grace: We talk at least 5 times a day on the phone! (Zain makes it possible) But we make sure we see each other at least once a month. Sometimes it’s hard and we may not see each other for months due to conflicting work schedules and such things. Usually we agree, who’s visiting who. I end up going more often because it’s easier for me and we spend more quality time together rather than when he has to come to Nairobi.

Diana: Yes we communicate, visits have been scheduled but I couldn’t make it due to work commitment. We talk around 4times a week.

Nelisa: We communicate daily on chat, text each other everyday, talk on phone 3times a week and schedule visits after every 1 and half months.

Irynne: We don't schedule communication, he’s seven hours ahead of me but we can talk whenever we want to. As for visits, it's only been two months! He should be coming back next year but you never know with love, so for now, am just going with the flow!

Janericka: Yes. His first visit will be in January


7. What kinds of problems come with long distance relationships?

Tanya: Infidelity, mistrust, poor communication and deceit.

Tiff: I miss him all the time and all the time you spend together never feels like enough. You have to find patience (or learn it) so that you don’t start complaining about how infrequently you see each other, it takes much longer to learn to read the other person's body language and facial expressions because you spend so little time together, you have to trust the person absolutely (because you have no idea what their life is like when they're not with you(apart from what they tell you)

Minah: Problems, I would call them challenges instead. For us, since we come from totally different cultures, adaptation to some things is difficult. Plus I have to learn his language (He speaks French most of the time, and so does his family, I totally don’t! lol) Some of the things that we would like to do are impossible. Such as going out for a movie, picnics, just chilling out together, hugging and playing. May I add that trust is NOT an issue with us.

Martha: Don’t even remind me, the loneliness is just too much. Worrying that he will get tired of the distance, the jealous ex-factor, malicious stories from unknown people which have no basis. But now am less worried.

Grace: Well, the first obvious problem is the lack of physical closeness/intimacy. When you’re in love with someone, you want to be able to hold them, kiss them, even small things like seeing their facial expressions or having a conversation at the end of a long day is something you really miss. Also, shared experiences which help couples bond are greatly reduced.

Diana: Insecurity, this leads to mistrust and a whole heap of other things. I think that is the biggest one.

Nelisa: Insecurities and the lack of trust, trying not to overcrowd each others space in the name of communication.

Esther: Being in sync with your partner sometimes can be a task, maybe he’s working while you aren’t so one may want to talk but the other doesn’t not because they don’t care but maybe because the timing is wrong for one partner. So if maybe you send a text and it’s not replied to soon one can feel bad, but eventually you understand and learn to handle such situations.

Irynne: Personally I haven't experienced any problems. I have only experienced the normal missing and wanting him close. Recently I went through a dark time after losing my grandfather and I really wished he could be here but he was there for me despite the distance. Not having him here is the biggest challenge for me but we are coping well. I know it sounds unreal but we established a solid foundation long before he left so I know that he knows and I know that this is a done deal. (Insert smiley face) It’s only a matter of time!

Janericka: It tests your trust in your spouse and also your own personal patience. Many times I've thought of calling it quits.

8. How do you handle conflicts when they arise?

Tanya: I just let it go at the time. Sometimes the stress isn't worth it.

Tiff: Luckily my significant other, unlike most guys, likes to talk about something until he's satisfied with the answer. Also, we live in the UK and phone contracts usually offer a lot of minutes so we can have long conversations over the phone often.

Minah: Conflicts are a good thing; they strengthen a relationship because you get to know each other’s responses to certain issues. Three main factors that we agreed on as we solve conflict:
1). Remember that I love you
2). I will always treat you with respect (that means I will be fair in my view, no shouting, name calling etc)
3) Sometimes we will have to agree to disagree. With this in mind, if there is a potential conflict, we chat about it… if one party is annoyed, we give each other time to cool off first and then talk about it. Communication, communication, communication is key factor in solving conflict.

Martha: We deal with them at that moment, we don’t postpone lest the conflicts worsens. To be honest I can’t sleep when something is tugging at my heart not unless I deal with it at that point that’s the only way I can move on....as for him he asks question point blank and he doesn’t sugar coat it I guess this helps solving conflicted.


Grace: We talk about them. That’s one thing that we agreed on when we started dating, that we were both mature & were not going to play manipulative games. We would resolve problems when they came up and find resolutions.

Diana: Talk through them and we try to remain realistic through it.

Nelisa: We talk it out. I've learnt to apologise if am on the wrong, to change my attitudes on some things and to accomodate my partners shortcomings.

Esther: We fight like any other couple, my boyfriend hates fights so he lets me cool off first then we talk about the matter at hand and come up with a solution.

Irynne: We talk it out!!!!Is there another way? We haven't had a major conflict since he left but I’m sure we would stay up on the phone till we resolved it. We decided never to go to bed angry! Life’s too short man! It’s bad enough that he's far and fighting would only make it worse so the sooner we sort it out the better!

Janericka: Argue them out.


9. How do you make your relationship survive?

Tanya: To make a long distance relationship survive, you have to keep your promises to each other. It is hard, but it is possible.

Tiff: Lots of talking, patience and trust (and we like each other a lot) in some ways, having so little time together means we make the most of the time we do have and it's awesome.

Minah: Really, that is a hard question. God is a large part of our relationship; we strive to put Him first. He sustains it. In the mean time we don’t take it for granted that it will work out, we do our part; talk constantly, text etc. plus we trust each other and love each other deeply.

Martha: By staying in touch, we try everything to be connected. We send each other cards, and basically keep the communication lines open.

Grace: The first thing is that we pray love, then commitment. We love each other deeply and strive to put the other first. We are also committed to making it work and we both know that we’re in it for the long haul. It’s not just a short term adventure.

Diana: Trust in God; I can’t be too sure its surviving but I can’t be hang up on it either because at the end of the day what will be, will be. So I live each day as it comes, do my part and leave the rest to God.

Nelisa: Four words; God, Trust, Understanding and Friendship

Esther: I remind myself everyday that my man loves me and I love him too and that am in this relationship because I chose to be in it, so I’m giving it my best shot

Irynne: We talk all the time about all things! It also helps that we know what we want in the future, and that's to be together(soon)so we are both focused on that and working towards it!

Janericka: Actually I'm not entirely sure it'll survive, as I said before, I'm highly skeptical of long distance relationships.

10. What advice can you give anyone getting into a long distance relationship?

Tanya: I would never advise anyone to have a long distance relationship. It is just way too much torture. One person is bound to slip, even if they don't mean to.

Tiff: Don't get into a LDR unless you trust the person's character and integrity completely and you have some way to communicate as often as possible and don’t sweat the small stuff, make every minute you have together count.

Minah: Advice?? Pray for extra grace, be patient, don’t get yourself into it if you are not willing to pay the price (loneliness, doubt, fear trust etc), don’t nag, be clear in your communication of what you expect from each other and have fun while you are at it!

Martha: As for me is that you must really really love that person and be honest and clear of what you want and what you expect from the other person.

Grace: The one advice I would give to anyone getting into a relationship not just a LDR is, be honest with yourself. Is whatever arrangement available going to work for you? Are you willing to stick to it and love that person? If you can honestly answer yes to these questions, then the rest follows. Be committed and don’t play games. If it won’t work, it won’t work and that’s OK too.

Diana: I'd say you can’t say you won’t give it a try simply because it didn’t work out for someone else. It's not easy-no doubt, but with the right mind-set, it can work.

Nelisa: I would advice couples to focus on the stars and not the bars. Most times in LDR's couples focus on the complications and hence dont give 100% to the relationship but like any other relationship, give it your best!

Esther: Long distance relationships are hard but manageable don’t get into one when you don’t know what you want from the relationship.

Irynne: My advice to anyone who is about to be in a LDR is;
First know if the relationship has a future. Do you see yourself together forever or is it just something for now? It will be less heartache if its long term and you are both committed because things will just naturally fall into place.
Secondly, don’t listen to people and what they think about LDR's. Everyone has their own experiences and you must walk your path!
Thirdly, keep in constant communication. Talk! Talk! Talk! About anything and everything, all the time!!
I cannot stress this enough, TALK!
Fourth and lastly, enjoy the break! Use this time to discover more about yourself and do your thing! Build yourself and ultimately you will be building your relationship.

Janericka: No advice but one thing I've learnt is that one needs to be absolutely in sync with their partner and full commitment from both parties is necessary.


Have any thoughts or comments about long distance relationships, leave us a comment.

Previous Round Table Discussions;

Your Girlfriend, Her Girlfriends& Your Relationship

Of Men, Attraction & Women's Body Image

The One I was Made For

I had dated before but Kabbz was very different, I had inner peace and love. I had prayed for qualities in a man which I found in my husband, though I noticed them later on as we dated.

Having been hurt before and I didn't want anything to do with men but God has a way of surprising us. He blessed me indeed. Kabbz is loving, handsome, caring, honest, giving and funny, an absolute gentleman and my best friend; he is more than I wanted, more than words can describe.

Isn't She Lovely

While she walked down the aisle, Kabbz sang 'Muthenya' (One Day) meaning ' I have waited for this day to see you walk down the aisle, to take your hand and hear you say 'I do'.

Everlasting Love

The fear of God brings love to a relationship. If you know how to love God you will also know how to love your spouse no matter the situation.

The passion you had in your relationship must continue in the marriage and it takes both of you to make it happen. Have fun together, go out, share responsibilities together, support and encourage each other, pray together, keep the surprises coming and help each other to grow.

And as you keep the spark, you have to keep it together to; keep fit, look good, don’t slack or let yourself go. The same effort you put while dating should also be maintained or nurtured during marriage.

In Good Times and In Bad

When it comes to marriage you have to realize that you are dealing with two people from different upbringing trying to be ‘one’. So it’s advisable to practice understanding, forgiveness, humility and selflessness towards each other by seeking God’s direction in all areas of your marriage because.

..And Two shall become One

Pre-marital counseling is very important. It opens your minds and in most cases find out things about each other that you didn't know. You learn how to handle each other's differences and appreciate the fact that you come from diffrenet upbringings. It encourages the strength of your marriage before it happens and it prepares you for the challenges and conflicts that may occur in the future.

In Jesus Name

What A Girl Wants

At the end of the day, Mr. Right lies in the hands of God; He predestined you before you were born. There is someone out there for you. Trust in God, tell him what you want and leave it to Him to sort you out. Remain faithful to God and be patient, He will give you what is yours.

While they say behind every man there is a woman, behind every Phenomenal woman is most importantly herself. We are our own cheerleaders.

Let’s Meet Her

What do you do?

I’m a Jewelry designer. My Jewelry line is called ‘UMURINGA JEWELRY’.

What inspires you?

Everything around me; things out of the ordinary usually stand out for me. I don’t like stereotyping and so the variety in which many things can be transformed also in a sense inspires me. I look at something and I can instantly imagine it being done in like 5 different ways. Variety is indeed the spice of life don’t you think?!

What makes you a phenomenal woman?


Isn’t it just a delight to already be blessed with a husband from heaven, two beautiful children, friends I can count on for whatever, anytime, anyplace AND be pursuing exactly what I want to? I think it is. Am not saying everything is roses and caramel, no. it gets bad sometimes and am pushed to the wall, but because I look for the silver lining in whichever way I can, I think that is a plus for me. I am obscenely optimistic.

Any advice?

True genius is in the arts. Somebody once said that and I couldn’t agree more. Don’t be afraid of let yourself shine, embrace yourself...work with what you already have instead of mopping about what you don’t and you will see just how creative you can get. Also, always be grateful to God and everybody else who has helped you realize your dreams. It goes a long way!

Side Note: To order any jewelry piece from Linda's line you can join her Facebook group.

Are you a Phenomenal woman; making your dreams come true or doing something positive with your life and want to inspire others, then write to us at and we will feature you here.