This week at the round table we talk to six ladies about infidelity. This time we have two round tables; one talking to two women who cheated in their relationships and the other one with four women talking about how their partners cheated on them.
At both tables we discuss the heart aches, the signs, their resolve to make it work and for some the reasons behind their decision to walk out of the relationship.
Enjoy the discussions.
Table One:
Meet the Ladies;
Lynn,29, Freelance Designer, South Africa
Shish, 27, Executive Assistant, United Kingdom
Rose, 24, IT Assistant, Kenya
Lynne, 22, Student, Kenya
1. How long had you two been in a relationship when you found out your partner was cheating?
L: The first time i found out he was cheating i had gone out with him for a year but then we broke up because he was going out with my best friend around the same time according to reliable friends.
S: We had been in the relationship for two and half years.
R: We had been friends for two years and dating for three years.
L: 2yrs
2. What kind of infidelity was it?
L: I think it was sexual, there were many rumors going around that it was sexual and that she was open to that kind of a relationship but later it turned out to be a relationship.
S: I would say romantic, I found out through his Facebook inbox. I don’t know what made me check that day but I did and I found details to what seemed like a future planned affair, though up to today I don’t know how far he had already gone with the affair.
R: It was emotional; he just got really attached to another girl though they were not romantically involved.
L: Romantic
3. Was it a onetime affair or a pattern?
L: After the amicable breakup the first time, i moved on with my life and we never met for a long time. I made new friends who knew nothing of him and developed a romantic interest in a man I met during that time. At that time he started making moves again on me I assume out of jealousy. He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him and we then decided to put the past behind us. I thought it was an isolated incidence but I was wrong, apparently every time he almost won my heart, i would hear he has many love interests and so I came to learn later it was a pattern. More like a weakness of character.
S: After I caught him the first time, for a long time everything was okay but a year later there were other events of infidelity, some are sketchy.
R: It was a one time event; he had never done that before.
L: It was a one time event.
4. What were the signs that your partner was cheating?
L:
#Your six senses telling you something is not right. Follow your guts, they are usually right every time 99.9% of the time plus or minus 1 lol! You know what they say, the heart feels, the brain thinks but the gut knows...dont betray yourself .
# Phone etiquette: Going to the bathroom with his phone
# He had many toothbrushes in his bathroom
# Screening calls: Phone would be switched off and when he switches it back on he would get so many texts and calls that were pending the night before
# He had his relationship status on Facebook sometimes as single or blank...huge sign of a lack of commitment or just many suitors to please.
# He would take down all things in his house that would show he is in a relationship with me(photos,cards and em). I discovered this when i visited him unexpectedly meaning he would get female visitors.
# All messages in his sent items were deleted and some of his inbox messages.
# I wouldn’t find any of my texts in his phone, nor pictures.
# He would plan secret and frequent meetings with friends who he kept claiming were friends and yet they were not.
# Secrecy
S:
# The phone: he would take calls from places like the toilet and would make sure he doesnt leave it idle, he would always walk with it.
# Calls from unknown women at very late in the night. Once he left his phone my mistake, a lady called, so I took it to ask her to call later but then she hung up after hearing her voice.
# Being TOO nice like flowering me with gifts, sometimes too much. Realized later on it was a way for him to cover up his acts or to keep my mind occupied.
# Secrecy.
#I realized at some point he started deleting all his text messages and call register.
# He became very defensive even if i would ask the simplest of questions, he'd be like 'what do you know?'
# Women are blessed with the sixth sense. I always had a feeling when something was wrong and my sixth sense never disappointed me.
# At times he would be very distant.
R:
# At first it was a just a gut feeling,with time he withdrew and would give me divided attention which was very unlike him.
# He would also get very defensive when I ask about this new traits thats when I decided to find out for myself.
L:
# He was really withdrawn and became silent.
5. Did your partner own up to his actions or make excuses for what he had done?
L: He would make up excuses. The most common being that he is innocent and that woman make moves on him all the time and want to ruin our relationship. That they are jealous and have nothing good going for them and so they want to ruin our relationship. He never took responsibility for the problems he caused in the relationship and whenever i brought up the subject, he would claim am blowing up the spot.
S: At first he was very defensive about it, he said it was innocent and it didn’t mean a thing and that the other woman was the one who was making moves on him (rolls eyes) but seeing that our relationship would end, he owned up to it later on.
R: He came clean; he told me everything he had been doing, he didn’t blame it anyone.
L: He owned up to his actions.
6. Did he understand the magnitude of how he'd hurt you or was he unaware of it?
L: I doubt that he felt bad about things he did. I think he liked it somehow because it would make e insecure then in the end I would think something is wrong with me. He would do the same thing kind of like a vicious emotional abusive cycle of him hurting me, I leave, he begs me and promises never to do it again and then he does that very thing. It was his addiction as well as ine maybe in an unhealthy way.
S: He was insensible at first, making excuses and trying to turn the tables on me by asking why I had invaded his privacy but later on he acknowledged that he knew he had hurt me.
R: He knew how much he had hurt me; he was torn because he didn’t know how to ease it for me because I wouldn’t listen to a word he said.
L: He acknowledged how much he hurt me.
7. Was he sorry for what he had done or sorry he got caught?
L: No, he was always sorry after he got caught because then i would leave and the drama would end for him but then he would be back to get his fix from all the drama going on.
S: Honestly, he seemed sorry that he got caught like ‘I should have been more careful’; he was embarrassed because I had all the evidence staring at my face.
R: He was sorry for what he had done; he was embarrassed of the choices he had made.
L: I wouldn’t say he was caught coz he actually confessed but he was sorry for his choice.
8. Was he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
L: His promises were empty; he was always in denial and not seen what he was doing wrong. His perception of reality was way out of hand
S: He was willing to change and he did it immediately and with so much zeal; that is the gifts the pampering a way to show me that he still loved me and that it was just one silly mistake. Though I gave him another chance, I would look at him with a side eye and had so much hate for him.
R: He started cleaning his act immediately; I on the other hand didn’t believe he could change. He set out to prove me wrong.
9. Was this out of character or something he seemed capable of doing?
L: It was something I guessed he would do
S: When I found out about the affair, I was in shock, I couldn’t believe that the man I had been in a relationship with for more than two years could do such a thing but experiences like that open your eyes, later on I realized I’d given him a benefit of doubt but it was something he was most likely to do, I was just blind to it.
R: Part of the reason I was so broken was because I never saw it coming; I was caught off guard. It was totally out of character.
L: It was totally out of character since I have known him for a very long time.
10. Did you consider leaving the relationship?
L: Every time. Leaving a relationship needs a lot of courage and strength. Leaving a bad relationship is like kicking a bad habit afraid to deal with the withdrawal symptoms
S: Every time I looked at that man, I wanted to leave the relationship but I didn’t have enough strength to. I had made the mistake of making this man the center of my life. The whole situation destabilized me, scarred me into thinking I wasn’t good enough and scarred me into questioning myself worth. I needed to get my strength back, to realize that I was too good to be with a man who would cheat on me.
R: I actually left the relationship.
L: Yes I considered it.
11. What was your level of commitment to forgiving your partner and learning to trust again?
L: With every wrong doing my commitment waned and eventually left the relationship when he was trying to get his act together. I stopped loving him and ended the relationship for good. I guess that was the consequences of a woman scorned.
S: I eventually forgave him but like I said there were other future events of infidelity and with every doubt I had my commitment levels lowered and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I was always on edge; the affair practically turned me into an insecure woman. He would say he is going somewhere but I would have to crosscheck information.
R: I am trying really hard to forgive but I still can’t get through a day without thinking about it. It’s really hard to let it go.
L: I have forgiven him but it’s going to be hard to trust again.
12. In your opinion, what would it take to repair the relationship?
L: In my opinion, once a partner cheats, it reflects on their character and morality or a lack thereof. It should be a red flag. Someone who cheats once has either done it plenty of times before caught or is prone to do it again. It is a Pandora’s Box of all relationship evil. If someone truly loves you they will not cheat.
S: A whole lot of trust and effort but that’s hard, he tried to make it better and there were days I would forget about what he had done and other days I would look at him and curse under my breathe.
R: A lot of effort and dedication from both of us and a miracle :)
L: Honesty and trust. As much as it was going to be hard to trust him 100%, I was willing to work things out because I still love him but we broke up so that’s the end of it.
13. Any advice for anyone going through the same?
L: Having left such a relationship, I am happier now. I can never cheat on my partner and so i don’t expect the same from mine. The very standard you tolerate is which will be used against you in the end. Cheating habitually indicates a weakness of character, from my research, the man I dated had narcissist traits which make people with that personality disorder among many others prone to such without having a problem or guilt of any kind. Cheating creates a weak relationship foundation because it erodes trust, and trust is the basis of all relationships just as faith is the foundation of our belief in God.
S: The moment I left that relationship I realized that even after forgiveness the cheater might change but there are chances that they will be more careful, make sure they cover their tracks better. You are worth better much better than being someone who doesn’t respect you enough to be faithful. If it’s something that you can work on, then work on it but if it is a continuous behavior, cut your losses and move on.
R: You know your man, you know if it’s a onetime slip or a behavior of his. If he is worth it, you'll find a way round it. If your relationship survives this you will learn to value each other more but if it’s impossible to forgive then find a way to move on.
L: Be strong coz its not the end,whatever decision u make know something better is coming your way
Table Two:
Meet The Ladies
Lily, 26, Marketer, Nigeria
Amy, 24, Marketing Executive, Kenya
1. How long were you in that relationship during the time of infidelity and was it a long term or short term relationship?
A: We had dated for a year. It was meant to be long term. He ‘Peter’ had already introduced me to his family and we had travelled to Nyeri to meet mine.
L: Had dated for 2 years, it was a long term relationship.
2. What were the reasons behind the infidelity? What kind of cheating was it emotional or romantic affair etc?
A: My ex-boyfriend came along; he represented 'the one that got away'. He was my first love and he simply knew which buttons to push. At the time, we were still very happy with Peter but I felt I wanted 'some fun' in my life. My ex-boyfriend and I started an emotional relationship that basically involved us reminiscing, him promising a better future and the works. I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend and for sure we broke up within a month.
L: It was purely emotional; the worst kind of infidelity. At the time I felt like my boyfriend had abandoned me emotionally so I created that bond with someone else.
3. Did you confess to your partner or were you caught?
A: I decided rather than physically cheat on Peter, which was bound to happen; I simply broke up with him. I thought I was protecting Peter by not telling him the whole truth but somehow he found out and I will regret that for the rest of my life. I would have wanted to continue the relationship but I did not want to make him the guy that took back a cheating girlfriend and honestly i was too ashamed even try get him back.
L:I didn’t confess though I felt very guilty. I cut links with this other man stopped all communication with him so I could start over with my boyfriend.
4. What did you learn through the whole infidelity experience, any advice?
A: The one thing I learned from all of it is the whole idea of 'I need some fun' is stupid and selfish. I had a great man and I damaged him by cheating on him. I believe cheating is the most selfish thing you can ever do and the next time I feel I need some fun; I shall seek it with the man in my life.
L: Its very easy to cheat on your partner and emotional infidelity is the worst. Gradually you loose interest in your partner and even when you are with them, you think about the other person. I know what I did is wrong and I have tried to change so as to not affect my future relationships.
Have any thoughts to share on this issue, leave a comment below.
Dear Readers,
Clara Kitongo is a student studying civil and environmental engineering in Pittsburgh PA. She was born and raised in Kampala, Uganda where she spent 19 years. She is also an amateur poet and involves herself in music and the arts.
".....like dust, I'll rise.
I am also in charge of logistics for Poetry on the Road an initiative to decentralize poetry hype in the city and spread it all around the country because there is so much untapped talent out there.
