Its been said that women are complicated that at the end of it all, their 'yes' is 'no' and their 'no' is 'yes', that they want this today and something totally different the next, but when its all said and done, they all want the same thing..love. Is this true, has this changed?
Is it still about shooting stars or has it changed to shoes and cars? Men do you wonder what women are looking for in men? Wonder no more, we speak to 8 women on what they want from potential relationship and marriage partners. Join the conversation.
Meet the Ladies
Victoria, 29, Accounts Manager& aspiring writer, Very Single, Maryland, USA
Ritah, 26, Administrator, Dating, Uganda
Norma, 25, Incident Manager (IT), Happily in a relationship, South Africa
Purity, 25, Single, South Africa
Nawala, 23, Lover of life, In a relationship, Maryland, USA
Chido, 23, Student, Single and content, Australia
Oye, 23, Nurse, Single, Houston, TX
Njeri, 23, Ass. Corporate Events Administrator, Single, Nairobi.
1. What qualities do you look for or find appealing in a man/ potential marriage partner and explain why for each quality?
Victoria says:
Honesty: Without honesty you don't have a relationship. That's the foundation of any partnership. If I can't trust my man, then what's the point of being with him?
Creativity: I'm a writer. I love art. I need someone who can appreciate going to museums, plays, movies. It's a big part of who I am.
Intelligence: An intelligent man is soooo attractive/sexy to me. Education is what helps you to have a successful life. Without it, you suffer.
Sense of humor: I'm goofy. I need someone who loves to laugh. Life is hard so you have to know how to laugh through the hard times. I need a man who can find the humor in any situation.
Attentive: I love it when men do the "little things" to make you happy. I'd be more impressed if a man left me a poem on my pillow than if he took me on a shopping spree. It's those small things that show you he really cares.
Independence: I like my alone time. I don't need to be with my man 24/7. I like a man who has his own life and his own interests. I need a man who is comfortable with us being apart sometimes. That way we appreciate each other that much more when we are together.
Honesty:
Ritah says:
Educated: This is because I am an educated woman and dating one who is not will be burdensome. We won’t be on the same wavelength…. Intellectually.
God-fearing: Somebody who has some faith, in a God somewhere. I prefer Christian since I am Christian. This is a perfect foundation for a family.
Respectful: A man who is respectful will not hurt u unnecessarily. It’s a virtue.
Honest: Honest men are rarely cheats. And God knows… everywoman doesn’t need a cheat in her life.
Above all he should not be married to another woman or better yet… not a divorcee because its gets complicated in these situations.
Norma says: The qualities of a person show over time but the main things I have taken into perspective are potential ;sensitivity ;honesty ; communicator ; height ; confidence ; respectful ; his relationship with GOD .
Potential – I definitely look at potential as a big factor for me because as a helpmeet I always want to see where this man wants to go, who he wants to be and how he plans to get there. I believe that a man with potential makes you see who he can be and you begin to see how you can take him there. It’s asking yourself in 10 years time what value do you think I will have brought to you. I feed off potential because you can’t fake it or try to create it, he either has big dreams or not.
Sensitivity - I look for a man who can sense what I need. A man who knows when to hold your head and as much as women have a way of saying no when we mean yes a man who can understand the unspoken words. A man who is able to be completely himself without worrying what anyone else will think or say who doesn’t mind if his boys are around or not ,who is willing to be an utter fool for love ; because he understands that when he shows it you appreciate it.
Honesty – A man who can tell you the whole truth and stand by the truth is a man who is appealing .Honesty starts from little things like him telling you exactly where he is, if you ever ask and his honest opinion on your latest hairstyle .A man who is not afraid to be real is a man who hardly hides anything .Hence honesty comes out tops.
Communicator – A communicator is a man who has the ability to allow you as a couple to discuss issues .He speaks clearly and allows you to have your say in issues .I find it appealing when you can sit and talk for hours on any issue and grow your intimacy through words and really get to know each other rather than a man who does not say much. A man who can say what is on his mind and what he wants from me is a definite keeper.
Confidence - I definitely find appealing a man with a good dose of confidence, not arrogance. You see if he is confident in who he is and what he is about ,he will have confidence in you as a couple . I want a man to lead the show and if he is doing it without a shadow of doubt it allows me to trust his judgment, even if we end up 400km lost (lol) .He’s the head after all.
Respectful – It’s a definitely appealing for a man to be respectful, a man who speaks to me with respect and who does not shout or swear at me .If a man can swear at you he has the potential to even hit you .If he can respect a car guard; a waitress or an elderly person then he has a basic respect for any life on earth. A man must not speak to you like you are some hooker he picked up; he must respect you as a person and as a woman. Like Aretha said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Relationship with GOD – A man who loves GOD and puts GOD first even before me is the best thing since sliced bread. If a man loves GOD his morality is secured and he depends on a higher power and he is accountable to GOD .Him loving GOD will be personified in how he loves me.
Height – I’m a sucker for tall guys, it sounds fickle but every time I’ve prayed and asked GOD for a tall man HE delivers. I like the height difference because I am very short so I do not like short men. The taller the better (lol)
Purity says: Integrity because it’s important to me. Humor; I love to laugh, he should too. God fearing; this opens up so many doors, in terms of how he treats me.
Nawala says: The main quality I look for in a man is HONESTY, for two reasons. One, this quality encompasses other very important qualities to me and two, because a few years ago I realized how trying to fit men into these boxes or list of qualities wasn’t getting me anywhere, and at times limited my ability to accept people as they are.
Honesty is so very important to me, initially because I’ve been lied to and can’t stand that experience. To me, a strong, nurturing, growing, and loving relationship can’t exist without the individuals being willing to be honest with themselves, honest with their partners, and in the process willing to give their whole self to their significant other. Someone who is true to himself is perfect for me!
Another key quality for me is a COMMITMENT TO GROWTH. It is important to me that a man strives to be his best self and be open to change but more importantly learning and growing from what we learn about ourselves and each other. Growth is so necessary to avoid issues like the same arguments over and over again and to support one another on this very long life journey.
Chido says:
God fearing – I don’t know if it even needs explaining but it would never work if you don’t fear God because to me he comes 1st in all I do including my relationships.
Respectful- if you do not respect a person then how will you notice their good qualities
Attentive – so I’m re assured he will give me attention when I need to be heard
Passionate - that way I know we set for a great future
Great sense of humor- don’t they say laughter is the best medicine
Honesty- who want to be with a liar…definitely not me I find it being a base on which all other values stand
Oye says: Good looking, religious, educated, funny, caring, loving, understanding, trustworthy, family oriented
Njeri says: A God fearing man is an attractive attribute – it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a worship leader or something, but a man who knows and acknowledges that God is indeed the King in His life is a very strong attribute. Reason being, we normally follow the guidelines of that which we believe in right?
The other attribute is a hard working self driven man; a man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to get it. A man who takes up a challenge and makes it work for them. This is a guy you are sure knows his stand and helps me avoid unnecessary babysitting.
A man, who is well groomed, smells nice. Everyone wants to be seen with a clean man. It’s appealing. The other thing is a caring man; one has compassion for the less fortunate, speaks to the waiter with respect and will open a door or pull a chair.
2. What is the number one item you want from marriage or in a relationship with a man?
Victoria says: I want a man who is my best friend. I need a relationship in which we actually enjoy each other's company beyond the physical, sexual and romantic components. Friends first then lovers.
Ritah says: Love and Faithfulness. Once that one is established then children can come in because it will be a safe place to raise children.
Norma says: Companionship – Life in all its goodness ,in all its craziness ,in all its ups and downs deserves to be shared .I believe the greatest memories I have are not by myself but with those that I love . Those memories are priceless and if GOD has blessed me with life and blessed me with the opportunity to share it, why not with the Adam to my Eve? There are places and moments I want to share with someone I love and care about a lot. The lows of life are not that bad when you have someone who is willing to say I will walk with you and see you through this. GOD created pairs and life as a pair is the greatest desire I have.
Purity says: Friendship based on trust, love and truth.
Nawala says: The number one thing I want from a man is his true and highest self whoever that is. I want a spiritual connection and partnership, and just someone to share and create this life with.
Chido says: Love and respect tie on No. 1
Oye says: Happiness
Njeri says: Happiness; when you’re happy it means even though everything else – such as the big car don’t fall in place, your happy with you lives n make the most of it. Happiness means that friendships are maintained, you laugh and make merry. Other aspects such as love and trust fall into place, financial stability will also fall into place- be happy and make the best of everything!
3. Do you think that physical looks matter?
Victoria says: Yes, physical looks do matter, but they are not necessarily a top priority to me. I need to find the man I'm with attractive, but it's ok if he isn't 6'4. It's ok if he doesn't look like Denzel Washington. It's ok if he isn't tall, dark and handsome. Being a good man will make him attractive to me.
Norma says: I think becoming obsessed with physical looks is a problem. I think what really makes up the person is what is on the inside but what attracts us to the person is the outside .Hence I will say it depends on each person to what degree and extent they believe looks matter. At the end of the day honestly looks fade but what stays is the core of that person. That being said you are drawn to what you see as attractive that is an undeniable fact, how caught up you get with just the looks is what determines to each person if looks matter. To me looks don’t matter.
Ritah says: No and Yes.
No because looks don’t buy happiness. He may be a cute face but very oppressive, aggressive, disrespectful, arrogant, unfaithful… all for what. Yes because of the off springs. We want cute babies’ lol .Therefore someone should settle for what’s comfortable.
Purity says: No chemistry does
Nawala says: Yes and no. I know looks aren’t everything but I believe it is very important to be attracted to your partner, especially because I believe that feeling of attraction is deeper than physical. I like to think that the energy that pulls us in response to a particular man is profound and keeps you connected to that person forever. It’s why people can still find their partners attractive and desiring even after they’ve changed physically, I feel. It’s true that people are sometimes attracted to what they are used to liking, what they think they should like, and their society’s influence in the matter, but with these things put aside, attractiveness matters!
Chido says: YES!!!!! I personally have preferences; tall masculine
Oye says: Absolutely. I wouldn’t date someone that I didn’t feel like I “should” be with.
Njeri says: Ooh yes! Before you get to know someone- you must have looked at the really right? Some physical attribute they posses draws you to want to know them better. At some point things get physical- you need to connect on that level too. If you marry someone you don’t think is hot, honeymoon?? It’s not the core of the relationship – but it’s important as well. I’d want to walk around with him, hold his hand and have my friends compliment him- someone I’m attracted to physically does wonders to a relationship! Women are emotional beings you know, and when we get emotional we want a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold- and it better be someone you find attractive right?
4. What values do you treasure in a relationship?
Victoria says: Honesty is big for me. Every relationship I've been in that has ended, has failed in part because of a lack of honesty (on both my end and my boyfriends'). What I know is that, even if the truth is painful or difficult, I can always work with truth. But lies, cheating and other forms of deceit automatically kill the relationship.
Ritah says: Love, Faithfulness, Respect
Norma says: Commitment and Prayer -As a couple the ability to commit to each other and vocally affirm this is definitely gold and praying together or for each other .Prayer strengthens you as individuals but being able to come together and lift each other up spiritually is a winner for me .
Purity says: Family, friendship, truth, acceptance
Nawala says: I value honesty, openness, growth, love, peace, communication, learning more about yourself and seeing your reflection through your partner, allowing the love you have with your partner positively impact others, community, the little lessons along the way, the uncomfortable moments of vulnerability, the arguments that help you grow.I love everything about relationships when they’re true and real.
Chido says: Commitment, honesty, respect and equality
Oye says: Good listener, honesty, good lover, trust, comfort and loyalty
Njeri says: Respect, Trust and Love. Yes in that order. Before a man loves me he must trust me and before he trusts me it means he respects me. I would never date a man who disrespects women, especially me. A man who speaks ill; my hubby or boyfriend should be able to respect my values, as well as I respect him, this way mutual respect is built – leading to trust – where you turn to each other and issues such as faithfulness and honesty are not mind bogglers – because you respect each other eventually leading to fully bloomed love!
4. The world is changing and it’s been said that women are changing and it’s not the same ol ‘All I need is Love’, mantra, what do you think about this statement, has genuine love changed?
Victoria says: I think that the media and the mainstream are pushing a newer/faster/less substantive brand of so-called love. That makes me sad. I'm old fashioned. I like a slow courtship. I don't kiss on the first date. I don't have sex for months and months and months after dating a man. But I find that a lot of men aren't accustomed to that anymore. I think that if we get back to what you call "genuine love" then we'll all be happier, relationships will last longer and less marriages will end in divorce.
Ritah says Genuine love hasn’t changed but I don’t think women trust men that much. They have introduced this thing they call not loving someone 100%; leaving a space for disappointment. Then another league of women who have been disappointed after they’ve given true love now prefers to go materialistic. If they don’t have anything they gain in a relationship then they won’t date you at all.
Norma says: Times may have changed and women may say they have changed or are changing but the one genuine desire we have of being loved and loving someone still exists. It might be said that what people have begun to value is different but even though people claim that love is not enough, we as humans; have been known to go to extreme lengths to receive affirmations of love. Genuine love still exists that is why even in our generation people can meet and settle and be together for more than 6 months .However the fear of play or get played has cheapened the use of the word love .I love is like a get out of jail free card during a game of monopoly ,it’s been over used and almost de-valued .Love is a constant it cannot change ,what can change is people ;how we treat each other and how we uphold love .Even saying I’m in love is downplayed .Going back to defining what love is and how it is shown or celebrated in a relationship is what has changed . Love is like GOD, we change but HE never does.
Purity says: Love is constant it won't ever change. Maybe we have changed in the way we love. We don’t take nonsense e.g. infidelity. We are educated we know we can make it on our own.
Nawala says: Well as hippie-holistic type of chic, I’m still all about the old mantra .I just think women and people in general have this one-sided view of love. When we hear the word love we almost automatically think of it in the sense of romantic love and relationships. For me the word love encompasses the love of self, the love of others, and the love of God/life. So, in that sense of the word no, all I need is not romantic love.
I need a deep sense of love for myself and a passion for living. Women are changing because they are realizing the not only need the love of a man, but more self-love, a love for life outside of all the ways we define ourselves {wife, mother, daughter, career woman, etc}. I think love is evolving; we are becoming more aware of our needs and truest desires, as well as all of the ways we need to be loved {through self, others, God/life}.
Chido says: I would say half and half I still believe genuine love is still very much there and in people as much as I also believe that sometimes it has moved from the “all I need is love” mantra some people find love not being enough because of circumstances.
Oye says: There’s definitely still genuine love. Maybe not like it was back in the day. I’ve found that quite a few people I know say things like “if he has money, I’m ready to settle down”. I don’t believe in that. I have yet to find love and I refuse to settle for just anyone. People may call me delusional especially in the kind of society we live in but, I’ll take my chances and wait for my true love!
Njeri says: Yes it has. Sad thing but we women have become soo materialistic. Yes a man should be able to bring home the bacon, but remember we are still meant to be their helpers. Not all women are like this. Some of us have lowered our standards too far- and run around sleeping with every Tom Dick and Harry just because he drives a flashy car!
Genuine love is there – it all depends on how you carry yourself, what values you hold. A man will always treat you the way you present yourself. Really, don’t be afraid to have standards. It may save u loads of heartbreak. And sift out the man for you from the boys.
In my opinion men crave for love as much as we think they don’t. They are way much more emotional than us. When they find love, real genuine love trust u me they will know. They usually have a reference point- their mothers. It’s not all a bad thing. Look at how our mums love and care for family- how genuine their relationships are with our dads. How they have grown together physically, emotionally, even financially! So ladies please don’t go for a man for financial security reasons, he also needs someone to help him up. Be genuine to yourself n love as you would love to be loved.
5. ‘No Romance Without Finance’ what do you think about this?
Victoria: I don't need to be with a man who is wealthy, but I do need a man who is financially stable and self-sufficient. A man who is in control of his money is a responsible man and that is important to me. There are also a lot of experiences that I'd like to share with my boyfriend/husband that require money, so a man with a little in his savings account is a bonus.
Ritah says: I used to think otherwise but trust me money is basic when it comes to romance. However it should be the element which attracts you to the other party. That way you will be a gold digger. Every activity that encompasses romance sure has a finance bit attached to it. Say for example if you want to go out, to the movies, to the lakeside, you want to buy something special or show your significant other you love them in a special way; you got oa pull out some bills.
Norma says: Simply put I will explain this like this : Love /Romance is like a wedding cake it takes a few months to bake a wedding cake ,the stewing of fruit etc etc is a process that requires patience . The icing however and decorations takes mere hours to be put together and spread over the cake .Likewise finance ,money or wealth are the icing ,it comes and goes but the core of the person is the wedding cake ,that is either done well or is a flop . Money comes and money goes be careful to lose out on love because of being fickle. If you love someone for their money what are you after him or his money? Be careful that you will chose wealth over love and in those case you wind up miserable and very soon without money .How much did you pay for GOD to love you? .There is nothing cute about being a gold digger ,being a gold digger shows you are lazy and can’t go out there and make your own .
Purity says: Money makes life easier. I won't pretend; I need to know his able to look after me. Plus buy my good quality food.
Nawala says: This question is a little difficult for me mostly because I haven’t had to deal with romance and finances at the same time, since I am not married. However, I don’t think that the issue is necessarily ‘No Romance Without Finance’ as much as ‘No Nothing Without Finance.’ We live in a very money-centered society and world and money easily becomes a hindrance for doing and accomplishing and experiencing ANYTHING! Our struggles with money impact everything as much as our romances. I think that out of all things it is very unfortunate that we let our romantic relationships suffer, end, or never begin because of this. The lack of adequate money makes all of our dreams difficult, from traveling to helping out family members, to changing our communities. This all makes finances very important and one aspect of life we MUST overcome to make better use of this tool.
Chido says: Romance can be found without finance but I find the no finance bit can be a real strain on the romance part being financially wounded in a relationship/marriage stresses hence pulling all sort of strains on the romance part.
Oye says: Bullocks! The modern day woman should be able to provide for herself to an extent. You should not rely on a guy for his money. I have no problem being with a man who doesn’t have as much money as me. Given, I do not want someone who is poor or lazy, but I am not looking for “the owner of the bank”. The most important thing is for me to see the potential to grow financially.
Njeri says: It depends on how you look at it. There can be love without money – but that does not mean that you do not need money. Look at it this way- everyone man or woman needs someone who is on their feet somehow; you both need to go for dates, and eventually get married and have a home- all these involve money.
So it’s important to have money but do not confuse it to putting a price on love. You cannot love someone because of money because when the money is not there, there is no love. Love is everlasting.
Recommended Read: Women Waiting For The Perfect Men in Wanjiku Ndungu's article 'Man Up'.
There you have it folks. As a woman, what do you want from a man or potential marriage partner? Men, what do you think? Join the conversation, share your thoughts.
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